PROVIDENCE, RI - Get ready to laugh your TAIL off because this feel-good news story is unbe-LEASH-able! Last week, Leonard Needlehoff, an attorney from Providence, Rhode Island kicked the bucket and left $13.6 Million to…(wait for it)...HIS DOG, Jasper. I guess he really was this man’s best friend! That’s a fat stash, FUR real!
“This episode is extremely tragic for my family. My husband was very sick during the last months of his life. During his horrible battle with Alzeheimer’s, he was frequently disoriented and couldn’t even recognize his loved ones. I retired 2 years ago so that I could be his full-time caretaker and make sure that Leonard died with the dignity he deserved. Somehow during that time, he was able to change the terms of his last remaining will and testament. Jasper got everything,” said his wife of 41 years, Laura Needlehoff, fighting back tears.
Well, looks like the dog days are over for Jasper! What’s an old furball gonna do woof that much dough? Get an apartment in the city and live like Sarah Jessica BARKER?! Now that is something I would like to see! You don’t have to be a bloodhound to smell a sitcom. Just watch out for the PUParazzi, Jasper!
“I started working as a runner at my father’s law firm when I was fifteen. His real passion was providing legal services for veterans who had no other options. It really wasn’t about the money. It was about taking care of those that had bravely served our country. After years of paralegal work and finally passing the bar myself, the plan was for me to take over after my father retired and continue my family’s legacy. Or at least I thought that was the plan. But I guess Jasper got the business and three days after my father’s death, I was fired,” said daughter Elle Needlehoff.
Looks like the country club has GONE TO THE DOGS! So what is this scruffy millionaire mutt up to now that he has struck it rich? Jasper has since left the Needleman family and has moved to Naples, Florida with his new owner, Vanessa Nipples, a 24-year-old Tik Tok influencer.
“Some people have been, like, so shitty about the whole me and Jasper thing. I guess people think it’s weird cuz he is like a millionaire and 54-years-old in dog years and I’m, like, less than half his age. People just think it’s weird that I have sex with someone who is old enough to be my father - and also he is a dog,” said Nipples.
Bow-wow! Talk about burying his bone. When reached for comment, Jasper himself refused to give us a statement on the record, but he did accidentally butt-dial our office back at 3:12am and left a nine minute message. While muffled, we were able to make out two voices who seemed to be engaged in some pretty kinky ass play and snorting large amounts of what we can only assume is cocaine or possibly ketamine. Talk about a K-9! In one section, it’s pretty clear that Jasper is climaxing and barking at his new bride to neuter him repeatedly.
Ruff life, am I right? Lucky dog.
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