MOUNTAIN BROOK, AL - Moments after berating him over a spicy Bloody Mary, local bitch Tina Waysmouth performed major surgery on the FOH manager of a popular Mountain Brook eatery. Fred Munk, manager of Tongz, was nearly in tears after an exchange with Waysmouth, who claims her Bloody Mary was too spicy despite ordering it exactly that way.
“I told them I liked it spicy, but I didn’t mean THAT spicy,” Waysmouth said, when reached for comment. “I like a little kick, but this was a full blown punt,” she joked, an attempt at humor that no one reciprocated with even the slightest grin.
It turns out that Munk’s tears were not only from Mrs. Waysmouth calling him a “bald, fat failure who should pack up his micro-chode and move to Mount Asswipe,” but also because his appendix was literally rupturing.
“I was in pain! Emotional and physical! She had cut me deep. And that was before she cut me even deeper!” Munk said, eliciting full on belly laughs from our staff here at the Times. We love us some Fred.
It was not until Munk dropped to the floor clutching his side, knocking a tray of Tongz’ famous Shrimp Salad Shooters into Waysmouth booth, that the severity of the moment took shape.
“I was spittin’ mad and sweating and on hold with the police, when I was absolutely accosted by that little freak,” Waysmouth claims. “I was about to pull my gun out of my purse and start shooting when I realized that he’d collapsed. My husband is a doctor, so I knew just what to do,” she boasted, as if any one gave a hot steamy shit.
Waysmouth jumped into action, no doubt taking a little bit of pleasure in sawing Mr. Munk open with a chef’s knife.
“I don’t remember much, but I’ll never forget the smile forming on her face as I felt the blade penetrate my skin,” regaled Munk. “What a turn! I went from wishing she was dead to hoping she could save my life in no time flat!” he amused, as we all tried not to hyperventilate and piss our pants from laughter. This fucking guy, man. The best.
After surgically removing his appendix and sewing him shut with the precision of skilled psychopath, Mrs. Waysmouth still demanded that he refund her for the Bloody Mary, even though she drank half of it, and later left a scalding Yelp review in which she referred to Munk as “bleeding and screaming like a pre-teen with her first period.”
Fred is recovering nicely, even taking the time out of his personal schedule to stop by the office and drop off some of Tongz’ delicious Chikken Caesar Sammies for me and the gang to snack on while we shared a few laughs. He remains a class-act and is still extremely grateful to Waysmouth for taking immediate action, even if he’s disappointed that her experience warranted such a negative review. He holds himself and the whole Tongz staff to a high standard and to think for one second that that standard might not have been met, well, frankly it just guts him. Honestly, it’s like she gutted him twice over. Oh god. I got to text him that. He’s going to love it.
Waysmouth, however, is still a cunt-at-large and will never change and is probably going to get someone killed soon, especially if she doesn’t stop calling the cops on the basketball team as they walk to their cars after a game.
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