From rocking riffs to those soaring solos we all know and love, there are some indisputable six-string shredders that have earned their place in the halls of Guitar Valhalla. Oh, you think you already know the greatest guitarists? Well guess what, shitboy, I’m the manager at the Guitar Center in Gainesville so I think I know a little bit more than you do. Allow a real rock connoisseur to enlighten you. Here are the 7 greatest guitarists ever:
Jen Gladly (from Meal Plan): That’s right. A woman. Get used to it. They can vote now and they can strum the fucking axe. Her body, her choice. And she chose to fucking rip shit to shreds. Shreddy Krueger style. But without the part where he’s a child molester. The solo on “Tell Me To Smile” shows a take-no-prisoners boss bitch at the height of her powers. Her untimely death (during childbirth) was a huge shock to rockers around the globe. It’s a shame that we’ll never get to know how great she really could have been because she was so selfish and decided having a family was more important than her legacy.
Portnoy “P-Stain” Fishwad (from Stab The Nanny): My friend P-Stain can rock you under the fucking table. One of Gainesville’s finest. My man has gout and a Gibson Flying V and his seminal underground rock outfit, Stab The Nanny, now has three songs on Soundcloud that absolutely shred. Like, Night of the Living Shred. Dawn of the Shred. Pick really any Romero joint and replace dead with shred and you’ve got P-Stain pegged. Check them out and try not to headbang your fucking brain out your skull, cucks.
Staggard Gates (from Staggard Gates & The Uncoordinated): Acoustics are usually for mama’s titty-baby frat boys with piss stained khakis, but SG can fucking pick ‘em. No denying this guy’s a legend. Maybe it’s the fact that his daddy was famed cowboy crooner, Herschel Gates, or maybe it’s the autism (that savant shit). Either way, Stag doesn’t fuck around when it comes to frets. Dude loves them. Had his guitar custom made with like 60 of them suckers. Not to mention, he has one of those harmonica holders around his neck but never does hippie bullshit like Dylan or Petty. His always holds a bottle of ripple and he’ll take pulls during solos and usually ends up flat on his back with his pecker poking out by set break. More like Tom Shreddy. Fucking crucial to the culture, my guy.
Dwayne “The Vein” Rodriguez: Who said all the greatest guitarists had to be white guys? Well, for starters, a lot of the folks in the Gainesville Guitar Center where I work. There’s quite a bit of intolerance down here in Swamp Rock City. But you know one way to open up someone’s mind? Fucking mind-blowing riffs that shred you to the core and that’s exactly what The Vein is packing. Body of Christ, Shred of Heaven. Sporting his signature bolo tie, The Vein rose to fame in the 1970s thanks to his tasty “South-of-the-Border Shred” and his reputation for taking shits on stage. The latter got The Vein arrested and banned from most venues.
Letty “Biscuit Bones” Leboux: Let’s take a trip down to the Mississippi Delta for some of those low down and dirty riffs. Blues phenom Biscuit Bones Leboux proves that you don’t need to be a rocker to paint the town shred. Legend has it that he was born out-of-shredlock, when the devil knocked up his sharecropping momma. That old devil blessed him with an extra finger for extra shred. At the time, doctors considered it a medical deformity but fans think of it more of a shredical deformity. Leboux’s iconic songs like “Mama Got My Peanut Boiled” and “Hoochie Coochie Choo-Choo'' inspired a whole generation of shred heads.
Jonathan Lipnicki (not the one you’re thinking of): No list would be complete without this glitter rock wizard. Don’t let the long hair, fishnet shirts and women’s underwear fool you, this cat can shred with the best of them. Got me on my small government shit. Don’t shred on me - except do because I love that shit. Known for glam metal ballads like “Come For The Mailman” and “Tampons In The Boys Room,” it’s actually in the B-sides where this hair rocker’s range really shows off. Put on “Pudding Fiend” off The Gash Master LP for a solo that will blow your ears clean out your ass like you’re fuckin’ Dwayne Rodriguez on stage at CBGB.
Me: Yeah, I fucking said it. I work at Guitar Center, friend. I am around guitars all the time. Oh, just because I sell them, I can’t shred them? Funny. You’re a regular Shred Armisen. A real Shreddy Murphy. Well, it turns out the joke’s on you, hot lips. I am one of the greatest shredders of all time. I’m Wayne Shredsky on my Ibanez and you had no idea and you made a fool of yourself in front of a fucking icon. I used to beat Guitar Hero faster than you used to spray your shorts when you first started fiddling with your thick little baby bean rod, bucko. I was selling three full albums of god-tier riffs out the back of my ‘92 Honda Accord before you were even a twinkle in your dead daddy’s sperm sack. Clean the cum out of your ears and go to my MySpace page and listen to “Sacagawea’s Blues” or “Natives (Do It Better)” or, shit, even my first song “John Smith Ain’t Hittin’ That Right.” My shift starts in a couple minutes or else I’d play something right now. I have to close and do inventory tonight or I’d say come over later. I’ll burn you a mix or something and you can listen and see for yourself. I’m a fucking unknown legend. Like the Zodiac killer. Just call me Shred Cruz. You think I’d wear this leather strap bracelet, if I didn’t believe I was one of the greats? Get real.
Thanks for coming to my Shred Talk.
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